alright i just changed my time zone setting so it's not actually like four hours later, it's more like half an hour later, or something like that. i'm being a pathetic blogger addict not for the sake of it, but because i figure i should post whenever i'm inspired, right? so i was just outofnowhere fornoreasonwhatsoever reminded of the possible love of my life who i've, by the way, never met. i want to post the story because, well, if anything, this is a way of permanently recording stuff and i'd love to run across this story ten years from now when i'm hopefully married to him or some such thing.. ha, no i just like thinking about it. who knows.. this could teach the world a lesson or at least get one of you to kick me in the ass and talk to this fucking dude. god this is going to sound really scary maybe and obsessive, which it kind of is, but this is me being honest and that somehow cures all ills or something


so, here's the dilly yo:

once upon a time i visit wekiva assembly of God to see my favorite local band denison marrs play an acoustic set with fellow great local band pistis and starflyer 59. this was in late march of LAST YEAR, i could go look up the date on my calendar because i had the CONCERT listed..not him.. ahem.. but i won't because that's creepy. Now. marianna and i are sitting there against the back wall and the lights are kind of low and the stage is being set and the people are beginning to show up and over to my left.. about 10 o'clock.. sits a boy in a lone plastic chair facing the direction to my right, all by himself. he's kind of drunk looking now that i think about it.. he's stretched out, slouching, sipping on the remains of i think an orange sobi. he has this.. messy short brown hair and he's around 5'9 and he's wearing some type of brown sandals and these kind of knee-length tan shorts and a slightly loose white undershirt. i labeled him one of those college kids who no longer fit into any specific fashion genre. he's skinny and his face looks like jordan catalano from my so-called life, with that kind of sad innocence and strange beauty. and he has these amazing blue blue eyes. and that whole year i looked for boys with very blue eyes because a palm reader said one would be my soulmate and i believed her.

he doesn't look happy.. more detached than anything. drifting off while we all wait. what struck me was that he happens to be sitting under this green light that's the only light on in the place besides the stage lights. it's like he was the before show.

and so i'm doing my typical thing i do when i find a new crush. i watch him and look away every now and then but mostly just watch him and think about what his voice might be like or what kind of music he listens to or how smart he is or what he's thinking or what might i say to him if i ever speak to him.. at this point i'd done it all before. but he's so strikingly beautiful in this strange limelight it takes my breath away and the night basically consists of wonderful music and me looking over to see the look in his eyes at certain parts in songs. he mysteriously disappears before starflyer and i figure i'd seen an angel or something and i'd never see him again.

i can't remember how long it was.. i thought for a second four months, then i think 2, then 1, i have no idea.. but a lengthy-enough amount of time goes by and i end up sort of forgetting about him since i'd never seen him before that night and i most likely never would again. i'm at sapphire with megan flocken back when i used to play with megan flocken and we're sitting outside at the tables talking to two girls who are mindnumbingly cynical and negative and psuedo-intellectual and i can barely breathe when suddenly, like in a movie, the boy walks past. i. am. elated. i couldn't believe the odds of seeing him again, i couldn't get over it. i'm stunned and just blatantly staring as he walks by in nearly the same outfit i'd seen him in before but now including a little indie-esque satchel and that same glorious face. i stutter some words like "that's the boy i saw weeks ago, i can't believe he's here, i thought i'd never see him again, he's so gorgeous" to megan and she kind of dismisses me and returns to her conversation. well now i'm not in so much hell. i sit there with their voices providing the distant background noise to my searching every second for him to show up again. he does several times. my god he works there! my new obsession works at sapphire. how fantastic. so i'm in awe the rest of the evening and i try to make eye contact but i don't think it happened and i sit in my little fluttery mode for some time until we leave and i can't stop rambling about it all night.

thus was the beginning of my "wave of love" for this boy

next it was just up to me to make it to sapphire as often as possible, mostly with megan, to catch a glimpse of him whenever i could. the next time i came i watched him all night throughout whatever band was onstage and observed which ones he seemed to like the most and they happened to line up with my opinions, which was nice. when it was time to go i walked up to a girl who worked there and asked "you know the boy who works here with the red shorts?" "Bryce?" she replied. "Bryce. ok.. thank you." and i walked away. megan was embarrassed for me. i was just ecstatic to finally know his name - and i thought how lovely it was and how i hoped to God he spelled it with a y and not an i because somehow that was so much better. when we walked out the door i was pleasantly startled by the sight of him sitting indian-style on the ground next to us, smoking a cigarette. he looked up at me for a moment and i was caught in that grasp of "jesus, look at those eyes, and they're staring right at me".. well i think i can say that was a perfect ending to an incredible night.

there were more like those. i'd go to sapphire half to see a band and half to see bryce. every time i'd see him my stomach would jump to my chest and everything around him would stop and he'd be moving in slow motion. and i'd just stare. and soon i'd have to confront my terrible habit of never talking to him. which would lead to depression and then i'd get over it and not care and then i'd have moments at random in different places where i'd get really angry at myself and then suddenly pumped and i'd write myself passionate notes of orders of different ways to finally talk to him, none of which i ever followed. i'd get up the nerve whenever i wasn't around him. it's that way now. it blows my mind, and scares me a little, but i haven't seen him in nearly a year, and i still think about him all the time.

see.. the other obsessions, and there've been many, have a tendency of dying out once i spend a significant amount of time away from them. and this one keeps holding on. and i wonder why. why does something so seemingly insignificant haunt me still? well who am i kidding it's not insignificant.. i tell myself that so i don't sound crazy to other people.

so i need to fucking do something. i read poetry in front of people at borders. i can do this.

the next sapphire show is october 11th.

oh my.

maybe i'll bring a camera and start with "can i take your picture?" like with the boys at epcot who knew no better than to stare dumbly and smile as becca, carla and i giggled.

no, i'm telling you, there's something here.. and i'm sure you're tired of hearing about it.


lovemelo