alright herewego

this is melo's attempt to be just like alan

no actually i loved the idea and then find OTHERS are doing it so i'm left with this undeniable urge to follow. it brings comfort. i could just not tell anyone about this and have it be my personal little.. island thing.. no because melo is a

narcissist

and

narcissists

need other people to read what they write thereby giving them the attention they've always been starved for

i think this is going to turn out sexy green but i'm probably going to want to change it eventually but my complete lack of html knowledge will most likely hinder me in that....

is it possible to not talk all pretentiously intellectual like i just did? what if you're a pretentious intellectual at heart? don't worry, i hate it too.
yknow john knows what it's about. john's bout it. here's what john has to say about the state of the world and i think we should all take this to heart:
it's not a habit, it's cool, i feel alive..

oh wait that's k's choice

:
imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try, no hell below us, above us only sky
imagine all the people living for today
imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too
imagine all the people living life in peace
you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one, i hope some day you join us, and the world will be as one
imagine no possessions, i wonder if you can, no need for greed or hunger or brotherhood of man
imagine all the people sharing all the world
you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one, i hope some day you join us, and the world will live as one

hmm.. i have a lot to say about all that and i'm not sure how much i should.. even though this is supposed to be a.... journal.. but dear eileen just bought me a new journal - with lines and everything (because i need that structure).. but alan you've got it, these things are just more convenient - but wait - do they reflect the sad state of a computer-reliant world!? gasp! oh fuck i don't care
ghandi is someone all human beings should strive to be like in my humble opinion, and ghandi said this: "an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" and i find amazing amazing truth in that and so, like i've said to 8 billion people, my struggle is to be a nonviolent person in a violent world, and try to hold my own - even in my own family. alienation reaches all levels, kids. yesss

so as some of you know, i have an insane and possibly evil mother. mothers like these make you forget about the carnage in ny and instead send you into fits of desperation and panic and oh i'd say a little sadness and anger mixed in there. so now to come home to all my radiohead cds safe but my most valued wall decorations destroyed leaves me in a bit of a mess. what are messes anyway? haven't we had our fill of them? this shouldn't surprise me anymore. but i am weak and fall prey and am surprised and hurt by all this shit that's happened hundreds of times in my lifetime. and instead of thinking about what really matters in all of this i sit and criticize my dependence on material possessions. see.. the ok computer poster was a "oh my god i finally bought a radiohead poster"/tampa/weezer trip memento (see that movie), the amnesiac advertisement from borders was a special surprise and comfort after coming home to borderline hell after an unimaginably spectacular vacation, the deftones poster reminds me of the olden days when will got it at sonic boom for me even though i wanted the gigantic one, and then the various pictures of thom yorke and a onelinedrawing tour poster jessica bought for me the night we met at his show and the two amazing pictures her brother took of jonah on that incredibly perfect night.

don't any of these things matter?

no i guess not.

you know who's really good? massive attack. s e x y

anyone want to move to boston with me? i need to get out of this section of the country. boston is everything i think i want right now. so i think i've mapped out my life: boston for about 5 years, then nyc for maybe 10, then sanfrancisco/sandiego/sacramento for 5-10, then to retire and die on a ranch in either wyoming or montana and grow my own food and tend sheep or some such thing. i could do it. oh but i'd have to spend a little longer in one of the three previous places, or all of them, because i can't retire until i'm in my mid/late 50s. right. ok my plan is almost flawless..


i said to marianna and becca at 1 am upstairs at park avenue that i always wanted to either make a shirt or get a tattoo that said that willy wonka line "we are the melody makers, we are the dreamers of dreams" and marianna said that a tattoo was a lot different from a shirt. and we all laughed.

lovemelo