maybe these things aren't good. we are one person to certain people, another to others, another to family, another to ourselves, and another to our blogs. i'm not sure this is all right. i don't suppose i plan on doing anything about that, though. and this is a natural order. i won't pretend it's possible to be the same to all outlets. no. i hate that i can't be honest on this thing. i hate that i think i can't be honest on this thing.



[ c e n s o r e d ]



well aside from all this: i just watched the most incredible movie called Sex, Lies, and Videotape - written and directed by my fast-coming hero Steven Soderbergh. this guy.. this guy is a genius. he can produce the most tremendously sexy atmosphere - the most infinitely sexual moment, a moment that lingers on your tongue, that you feel on the hairs on the back of your neck.. there doesn't have to be sex. just conversation. m u s i c. camera angles. Stillness. EYES. it's awe-inspiring. add him to my list of quite possibly wonderful lovers. another of his films, Out of Sight, one of my all-time favorites, has probably my favorite sex scene, er, before sex scene ever - george clooney and jennifer lopez, the music, the voice overs, the jumping in time from when they meet in the bar to when they're in the hotel room - it's so unabashedly sexy it's.. it's something that you stop in your tracks to WATCH and afterwards just go.. "...wow." i'm so in love with his work. i'm so in love with his style. everything. he's my director/writer hero. his film-making style is so incredibly close to what i myself would do it's uncanny.. his writing is so much i wish mine could be but probably won't. no matter, i think i could be a good film-maker. i think i could create a soderberghian masterpiece one day and dedicate it to him. maybe that'll be my style. i'll impersonate different directors that i love and name the movie something in their honor. who would i pay tribute?.. kubrick. kazan. stone, lynch, von trier, luhrmann, allen. yeah. there's an idea.

but sex, lies, and videotape had andy mcdowell, who i hate, but loved in this role, and peter gallagher, who i also hate, but somehow tolerated, and mia from just shoot me, and some sexy quiet stranger with an impotence problem. it was so interesting.. there's comedies of manners, maybe this was a drama of manners.. and of course sex. i loved the depiction of sex and what it means and what it is in life and marriage and deception. it was so wonderfully interesting. to the point i forgot i was watching it with my mom. maybe this is growing up. go rent it for your own good.

joe cocker is so rock n roll and great. his songs Rock. i downloaded that "with a little help from my friends" song and it's just such fantastic rock n roll music. he was at woodstock, yknow. i'm going to buy his cd. talk about free love. rock the black backup singers, joe. go on whichor bad self.

i sat in mcdonalds and mapped out my financial future with my dad today. i couldn't help looking up at the ceiling and recognizing where i was and what this place was and what we were doing. and i hate money. i want that notion to revolutionize the world. or at least my life. i want to quit dealing with it altogether. this is the beginning of the end of the life that, though shitty as hell, was with some purity, and now i'll start the other life of working and saving and spending and worrying and working and saving and spending and on and on for decades until i finally beat it to get (nothing) or it finally beats me. because really.. if i somehow get rich, which wouldn't happen i'm sure, that wouldn't make me happy. i wouldn't be satisfied with that life. the cars and the house and the things - the material possessions that, honestly, i want, but really, i know i shouldn't and hopefully won't. and if i'm middle-income, an all-out possibility, i'll just struggle with it for ever and ever. and if i'm poor it'll hinder my life like it's done for this part of it. so there is the only solution of rejecting this part of society altogether and being an independent person outside the world. which is almost completely a fairy tale. maybe not even a happy one. that's where we get hermits and things.
i just don't want to start down the money trail. and all forces are working towards me doing that. and they always always Always will. that damn song was right: "you're a slave to money, then you die". i feel like i'm strolling off a cliff. is it lemurs that do that? or something starting with a "g"?.... i can't recall. well if it's lemurs, we're all fucking lemurs. and we have a choice, but we don't take it. and won't take it. and i'm not looking forward to it all. i hate money.


when i leave this place... phew, for a minute there, i lost myself..

alright i keep forgetting to talk about TYRAN. i am reminded of him on another blog i've created of things i need to remember which is really me just rambling about my favorite movies/music/books among a few other things. slc punk was watched for the second time in tyran's living room with his mom and stepdad and bonnie and it was a little awkward, what with all the gratuitous sex and violence, but somehow great.

tyran donis. it's no wonder that's his last name, being so close to adonis, in greek mythology the most beautiful human male. this kid is so amazingly good looking i have to stop and watch him walk by. i can't get over him nor do i want to. he represents a very bizarre time and place in my life in the middle of 11th grade, when he was a freshman, and i found him and started obsessing over him, but in a very casual and fun way, and bonnie knew him, so there was our connection. and it got to the point where he and i and bonnie and axel went out together and rocked out at shows and got him to run around in his underwear during truth or dare games and he bought me ice cream once and he and i always had the backseat of axel's car, all my doing, i'm afraid, and the first night of hanging out with him we got into a staring contest on the way home and a Live song was on the radio and while i was thinking how erotic this all was and how i should just kiss him NOW i got a little too into the song and closed my eyes for a moment while singing and then made him aware that i suddenly lost the staring contest.. i don't think he'd even noticed if i hadn't reacted so loudly.. so that moment was broken. i tried to repair and try again but it didn't happen. i was very close, though. it was nice. it was horrible timing though... the poor kid was so young. i have no idea what he would've done if i'd kissed him. he'd never done a single thing with a girl at that point. i had no idea it'd get to that point. usually these crushes on pretty people i have nothing in common with goes away when i spend time with them. only this one didn't. so it messed with my head for a few months. i had a wonderful 3 hour conversation with him on the phone one night. he mentioned to bonnie once completely randomly that he thought i was "really pretty" - which still makes my mouth gape a little. and once when she and i had gone to his house and my dad had made me come home almost immediately after we got there so i was a bit depressed about the whole thing, he thought it was his fault, the sweet thing, and called to apologize. this right after i'd calmed down about him and let reality set in and resolved to stop trying to make out with him. and then he'd do little adorable things like that and he'd just fuck me up all over again. but so much crazy teenage silliness with bonnie and him flirting without perhaps them knowing it and her finally admitting to having feelings for him and them having *so much* in common that it seemed silly for me to be involved anymore.. i'd tried for a good 2 months and i'd failed. so i left it to her. which of course nothing happened. but somehow all was lost and we never got together again. i had absolutely nothing against tyran ever, but the utmost adoration for him, it just all got so ridiculous and i felt we were torturing him and he didn't deserve all the craziness so i guess i just retreated altogether. i tried at the [metal sign] show when i saw him last to apologize for it all, he wouldn't let me finish.. it apparently makes him uncomfortable. i'd love to make it up to him. i'd love to start hanging out with him again, just to see what he's grown into, and it's certainly something else, he seemed so old suddenly.. and now instead of punk rock he listens to reggae ;) bizarro-world. maybe i'll get another chance with that one. it feels unfinished. hm we'll see. oh but what a smile he puts on my face..

lovemelo