rebecca posted this thing on her livejournal about who she's looking for in life and it reminded me of this depeche mode song that i may have typed here before because it's one of my favorites, called Somebody, i haven't even heard the original, just Veruca Salt's beautiful rendition on the depeche mode tribute i bought for that deftones song.. it's such a great song, maybe i can remember the whole thing:

i want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
and in return she'll get my support
she will listen to me when i like to speak
about the world we live in, and life in general
though my rules may be wrong, they may even be perverted
she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
to my way of thinking, in fact, she'll often disagree
but at the end of it all she will understand me

(in the distance a staticky voice speaking, we can barely hear:
everytime we talk, everytime we fight,
everytime we look at each other,
i know for once what love is..
in the beginning, when i was no one,
and now that i am all that you've taught me and more,
you revive me when i'm dead, you find me when i'm lost..)

i want somebody who cares for me passionately
with every thought and with every breath
someone who'll help me see things in a different light
all the things i detest i will almost like
i don't wanna be tied to anyone's strings
i'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
and when i'm asleep i want somebody
who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly
though things like this make you sick,
in a case like this i'll get away with it

i like the pool. all day i've been singing "the impossible dream", you know, "to dream the impossible dream..." it's from Don Qioxote or something, it's such a grand song, and now i'm singing "danny boy" - and continuously realizing i'm a bit of a technophobe, i like things old and worn out, houses, cars, fashion, furniture, music, books, electronics.. i'm not into the wave of new. i would totally not buy a dvd player if i wasnt being forced to. that 100 year old house that jessica lived at in gainesville is still the coolest house i've ever been in. it hadn't even occurred to me before. do you know that the various forms of the word "occur" are some of the most difficult words for me to spell, or remember how to spell anyway? same with congratulations. i've done nothing productive today save for exercise and consuming vitamin D. Unfaithful last night was really good, better than i remembered thinking it was in the theatre, this after i had read a three star review by jay boyar that i now realize completely sways my thinking - but no, it's really well done, it's of course incredibly sexy, diane lane is freaking gorgeous i can't believe it, but it's also subtle and kind of heartbreaking. i got in the mood to watch this after seeing Bravo's 3 part special on the "sexiest scenes in movies" and you get adrian lyne film after adrian lyne film.. flashdance, 9 1/2 weeks, fatal attraction, indecent proposal, lolita, unfaithful - what's with this guy? and now i find he directed Jacob's Ladder, which is a crazy tim robbins movie i had eyed in blockbuster a few years ago, and ebert was very impressed with it in 1990. i've taken to reading all these old ebert reviews and loving what he's saying.. i completely line up with this guy 99% of the time.

i can't believe frank works in jeff buckley's old rehearsal space.. i want to be in new york right now. wouldn't it be nice to live in a place with a soul?

here's what's happening to me right now, listen to this:

since we broke up
i'm using lipstick again
i suck my tongue
in remembrance of you

bjork of course. "possibly maybe". i had this whole thing i was going to get into about sexuality and my envy of this horrible little christian couple sitting behind me (jordan and jenny) who have all this physical intimacy and sexual enjoyment at their fingertips but aren't using it because they're retarded and yet people like me who would actually take advantage can't get a damn leg in that super hipster club.. speaking of, i was reminded this evening as i was driving how alan got into AP Lit without taking AP Lang and how that pissed me off so much cuz AP Lang was so hard and then i finally realized that yet another of my favorite romantic movie heroes, robert redford in The Way We Were, resembles alan: Hubbell (rob's character, i know, like all i can think of now is the telescope, what a crazy name, but oh how we bought it because it was SO GOOD) is a writer and he writes a short story in their college years that starts something like "in a way he was like the country he lived in, things always came too easy for him..".. so there is alan completely. makes me go hmm. oh where was i? basically i resent all you people who get things too easy or get them and don't use them properly when i... i mean, when there are starving children in africa..etc etc.. i was going to go into all that but now my mood has completely changed because i just read Frank's news and that blows my mind and i'm so happy for him.. that didn't come easy. he really deserves that. that makes me really happy.

also, i saw The Ladykillers today and it sucked pretty much. surprised me, too. it was awkward and too much profanity and not that funny and just a complete dud. that's exactly what it is.. that firecracker that you expect to be amazing cuz the packaging has all this fancy artwork on it and then you light it and you happened to get the dud.. ugh. also this evening our car died. and it's been towed to our mechanic where it'll stay all weekend until he can hopefully fix it before i must get to my second job at 2pm on Monday. did i mention i have three jobs now? still with barbara, then doing kennel work at the lake howell road vet, then starting a receptionist gig at tuscawilla oaks animal hospital in april.. three jobs at my tender age, a slippery slope. what am i saying, it's screwed up at any age. i really like my kennel job.. it's hard and i'm sore afterwards but in a good way. all this and i'm still only going to make $300-400 a week probably. this is ridiculous. you say that's great but yea it would be if i were an independent entity living in one of those student housing things where rent is $400 a month and includes everything.. but i have a family to take care of! what the hell is happening. shit i'm freaking out now. there's a lot to get upset about here but i'm going to get off to Unfaithful now and then go to the pool tomorrow and finish reading my book and just go with it. don't get here. good luck.

i hate how words can never properly convey how you're feeling. why do you feel feeling in your stomach? why is there heavy breath and a swirling sensation? i feel like i'm about to cry. this is when i would call him and launch into some weird thing for him to play with, something he would never expect that i just happened to be feeling and then he'd be sideswiped by it. because i have to get these things out of me when they happen! that's what this is for now. i'm gonna type something now that will make this seem like anything else i've ever typed which i hate but you have to start somewhere! this is my where!: i just got back from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. it was glorious. it makes me never doubt the importance of movies, the ability for them to let you experience transcendence, to never think they are just another meaningless nothing like a tv set that's here to distract you from real things. they're not. please don't think they are. they are love. i too sometimes sit there and think "godammit i'm feeling with these fake people but there's nothing substantial going on in my actual life and that's horrible" but why diminish that movie feeling? why is it less real than anything else? how can something that sweeps you up so much and changes the way you view the world and yourself be any less real? so right now all my living is happening in my head. so what? speak to me about dreams. i'm living a thousand lives! i go to so many places, i meet so many people, experience so many things, in dreams! it's a third of your life! dreaming is living. books, music, movies, these are life! shit it's like i've just figured out posthumanism. i'm a posthuman. so that's why. i loved this movie. it makes me think about memories, and who i thought i would erase if i could and this makes me not want to anymore.. i almost called him and said "i wouldn't erase you, i won't erase you", as if that would mean anything. what you must think of me. i want to go play dress up in my skirts, i want to wear them out and be around people who don't know me as a pants person and feel the skin of a new person growing inside me. it's fun to change. what you all must think of me.

SPARTAN is phenomenal. david mamet is a genius. i've said it here before. i can't begin to tell you what it's all about.. it's a common movie storyline done better than anyone has ever done it. what do you expect? go see it and know what i mean.


the shock of the century... yesterday i bought... a skirt. not just one either, but two skirts. i'll let you think about that.

ugh. life. money. dad quit his job stupidly and i'm running around trying to find new jobs to fill as much of my time as possible. movie gallery looks like a sure thing. finally. new management. i'm ready to move out and be free of these obligations. looks like my only job opportunities are in selling movies and cleaning dog kennels... it's kind of fun tho. i need a car. and HBO so i don't have to keep missing the Sopranos. hopefully i'll see last week's episode before it's too late. i'm addicted to elvis costello and 102 Jamz. frank: i'm in love with jay-z and you're in love with the west wing.. we're turning into each other. i miss the days of watching the first four seasons of the west wing for the first time.. that made me so happy.. what a show it was. made me so fucking excited about being a democrat, you know? gets you so pumped about politics. you watch and you shake your head and slam down your fist and say "this is how politics should be!!! these are the logical conclusions to our country's issues, why debate?! why can't the men and women in the white house be as noble and intelligent and compassionate and GOOD as these fine people?!?! WHY CAN'T TOBEY AND SAM WRITE OUR PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES!?" and i just fell completely in love with the characters. I WANT JED BARTLET TO BE OUR PRESIDENT. i love leo and charlie and CJ and donna and margaret and i always have a crush on cocky yet sensitive josh and i have incredible love for tobey, the most complicated and beautiful character of the bunch maybe. you're in for a treat. keep watching. and this is why i'm so sad about the new season. aaron sorkin, the main writer/lifeblood of the show, went and left after season four and the new main writer keeps giving us these stupid "you can't miss the next all-new west wing.." military catastrophe, government upheaval bullshit storylines and they pander to the audience now, explaining big words and such, and it's just colder - the warm family witty banter thing is dwindling slowly.. it's terribly sad. yknow the west wing has won the emmy for best tv drama series for its first four years, which is amazing to say the least, but i'm afraid this year things will change. but you know what? even with its quality lowering so dramatically, it's still one of the best damn shows on tv.

oh and i also saw secret window and hidalgo, both about 2 star poor excuses for movies, unless you are uncommonly attracted to johnny depp and have within you a genuine love of all things equine, which made both movies bearable for me personally but not at all recommendable. well. secret window is maybe 2 1/2 stars. see it was going really well and more funny than scary in a good way and johnny is just fantastic and weird and you just think to yourself "look at him go" while you're watching him and it wasn't looking like your typical stephen king movie so i was diggin it, and then it had a horrrrrrrrribly obvious overdone movie plot twist and surprise ending that was like spending all day making a great cake and then shitting all over it. doesn't leave a good taste in your mouth. why johnny, why? hidalgo looked a hell of a lot better in the trailor than it was, it looked funny and exciting and good natured, a la maybe the mummy, but the action was actually cheesy and unexciting, surprisingly little time was spent on the magnificence of horses, considering it's a movie named after a horse, except a heavy wallop of we-love-horses footage at the end which seemed a little sentimental-bullshit-y. and the acting is soooo bad. there's all these obviously american actors doing horrible arab accents, it's hilarious. even viggo is crap, and i can't understand how good actors do crap turns in crap movies. it's like benicio in the hunted. why can't they all be like johnny and put effort and personality into every role? if secret window had any other actor playing mort rainey, there ain't a damn person who'd want to see it. i understand the need for an occassional big pay check or the desire to make a film your kids could see, but to leave your character so dead on the screen like that.. i don't understand how artistic integrity allows them to do that. they must be drunk.

who goes to see movies at noon on a monday? i do. what possible movie would i do that for? why, the dreamers, of course. what a perfect movie for melody: sex, movies, politics, what more do i need? i give it five stars for keeping me perfectly engaged the entire time. there's a flow that bertolucci somehow mastered that makes me feel i'm experiencing these things with them. and when they peel off matthew's clothes it's at first shocking and then i'm thinking "this is no big deal, why aren't more movies doing this?" i read an article in the paper about the dreamers possibly giving a better name to NC-17, and i think that might be true, because it shows us this material like it's perfectly normal, like everyone's doing it, and that's how they get you. if you show skin in a flash, as a surprise, with a bang, it's going to get a bang out of the audience. compare: streakers and nudists. one is sensational and the other is just.. whatever, no big deal. so i think more filmmakers should do this so we can start cooling down about how sensational skin is. theo was very sexy. so was isabelle. so was matthew from the neck down. i hate that kid's head. i keep thinking of him as that little jackass bottom boy in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. still tho, he was very good here. surprising. his little speech on the shape of isabelle's lighter was surprising. what on earth was going on in france? was that all just about the cinemateque? how does communism get mixed in? i need to look that up. i was grinning ear to ear with all the movie trivia, i wish i was so engrossed as to remember little scenes and act them out like isabelle, that's impressive. i need to see all of those movies. i need to see every movie. dammit. lately i'm having all this internal conflict because i'm so behind in school stuff but all i can bring myself to do is go watch movies, and that's all i want to do, and i have this feeling i'll end up with a career in movies and i'll look back at how futile school was because movies were the only thing that mattered really but i can't do that because if i get below a certain GPA i don't get as much money and that doesn't work. i'm in this hole with money. there are very few ways out of this hole. which sucks because i have a whole middle income lifestyle mapped out, i'm ready to be middle income and live like that. oh when they ran through the louvre it was so great.. i came home on fire, speaking in a crazy french accent to myself. roger ebert was in paris around that time when he was around 30, must've been so incredible. go see the dreamers people. i've rented dancer in the dark and the virgin suicides and i must now go tend to them. "they are always there to catch me when i fall"

GASP - don't speak about it please.. i have to wait forever.. well maybe til tomorrow ; ) I CAN NOT WAIT. meanwhile i've been reading up on bertolucci, he's an interesting fella. i rented Last Tango in Paris with Brando to see all the X-rated sex scenes and it is quite scandalous but the movie itself was a huge bore.. one of those movies that normal people make fun of for being "artsy", i sympathize with normal people, i do. so blah on that. but i really want to see The Last Emperor now.. 9 oscars including best picture, hm..

there are now like 235621 movies out i want desperately to see plus about 25398710537 more in the video store that i've been fasting from due to expenses of the film festival. theatre: the dreamers, spartan, touching the void, secret window, hidalgo, the fog of war; video: wallstreet, raising victor vargas, shattered glass, gangster #1 (paul bettany, yum), suicide kings, 2 days in the valley, may, bonnie and clyde, to kill a mockingbird, buffalo 66, bird, failsafe (george clooney version), death and the maiden, bronco billy, awakenings, high art, dancer in the dark. some obviously have seen before but i just want to see them again lately. dancer in the dark has been weighing on me for a while. lars von trier, the director, is apparently crazy and his film dogville with a million stars (including paul bettany) and no set is playing as i type this at the festival but was sold out and i figure it'll come around to enzian soon enough so i shouldn't spend $9 on it. but now the festival is over. at least for me. i went to the midnight shorts last night and they were kind of disappointing outside of a couple gems, including How to Cope with Death, a 3 minute animated pic where a seemingly comatose old lady kicks death's ass matrix style, hilarious. very little sex this year, which the opening announcer apologized for which was funny.

however the little sex last night was more than made up for by the lotta sex friday night in Young Adam, ewan's ummm.. like 5th naked movie. helloooo ewan penis. it's lovely, i feel like it's an old friend. ewan has sex with ev ry one in this one. which is a little ridiculous after a while. but man i think this may be his sexiest movie yet.. he looks damn good here. i haven't seen him look this good since trainspotting probably. tho eyeliner did slay me in velvet goldmine - the lighting in this movie is perfect for him. stunning. he doesn't have a whole lot of dialogue so we're mainly just lingering on his face as he smokes or has an orgasm, which is great. he has the most sex with a very under-sexed tilda swinton and all i keep thinking is these are real people performing these sex simulations and THAT ALONE makes tilda possibly the most fortunate woman in the world.. my god.. see they can be humping but you know they have little cloths on beneath the sheets or something so nothing's actually happening but there's this one moment when he's kissing and sucking on her breasts and yknow.. you can't fake that, that actually has to happen. and possibly many many times to get the right take. jesus. when i die i want to come back as tilda swinton.

ahem

i want titles to posts like on livejournal. this one is "who needs real people?"

very late crush now started on viggo mortensen after seeing incredibly sexy love scenes from A Walk on the Moon with diane lane.. ouch that's sexy. he's got this long, lean, tan, bohemian thing going in that movie. and now i want to see that BBC version of Pride and Prejudice to gawk at the sexiness of another sexually repressed colin firth. colin lives in rome, you know. i wonder if the boys saw him? question marks seem forced for sentences like that but it's nothing compared to: the washington mutual on semoron that looks like a church has baskets filled with something or another on top of their counters where the tellers are and they have signs posted to each one that literally say "ask me about my basket ????" which kind of makes me giggle every time because i imagine a voice coach telling someone to "go up at the end! it's a question!" and then the second time they say it the elevated tone sounds forced and hilarious. you know what i'm talking about.

go to floridafilmfestival.com i think and find out about tickets. if you buy them in advance you have to go to the headquarters which is at the corner of 17-92 and Morse, there's a white inn with a huge red FFF sign. $9 per flick, which sucks ass. but that's the price we pay. i'm slowly realizing the shorts are probably my favorite thing at the film fest each year.. i've seen one shorts program so far and i'm guessing all i'll be able to see now is the midnight shorts on saturday, which are sure to be scandalous, so i may get my ticket now for that one too. Code 46 is another one i really want to see, starring tim robbins and samantha morton, about some futuristic dystopia or something, that's sunday afternoon i believe. buy friday papers and learn these things! there's much more i want to see but work is very inconvenient.. you can't skip work or you won't have money to see the films, but if you go to work you miss out on about half the good films, and then yesterday i didn't work and that was the day i didn't want to see any films GAH! it's a hard knock life for me.

so in my dream last night i'm in the backseat of a car fooling around with peter dinklage, star of The Station Agent and dwarf. so ok.

argghugaahh my dad is a racist, sexist, homophobic bastard and he has no idea.. shit

and also shit: i may be changing my major yet again, back to film, and embarking on a film career again.. shit shit double shit. and i have to create a fucking writing sample !!! and i can't submit anything until november and why am i so often flung in dramatic directions like this from only a powerful conversation and all of a sudden all that i'm doing is pointless and i have to start completely over?? how does this happen? yknow i just knew liberal studies would be the last one. i also knew i wasn't a four year graduate tho. i mean cmon. i'm freaked out over here. i want to work on movie sets. i want to help people make movies. if i can be a bigger help, like write the screenplay or edit or direct or whatever that's great, but dammit i've got to marry movies because anyone else would just be kidding myself.

we find out mr. big's first name in the final ten seconds of sex and the city and my reaction is gasping and hysterical laughing and crying, tears tumbling out, can't breathe - CATHARSIS - and believe that it's more than just an overreaction to a tv show, there is something there. i was blindsided by that reaction so it must be something.

i kind of want to do documentaries. i love them and they're lower scale and they tell the world important things and enlighten people and that's how maybe i can straddle my love for film and my need to make the world a better place. shit tho. how does this happen again? juan mainly: if you were to submit a video sample up to ten minutes to get into a program that accepts 25 of 200 applicants a year, what would you send? they can't expect me to have fancy equipment, is it all about writing or editing or angles or or or what? what do you think? how can students who don't have experience or money make something that'll prick up their ears? you know what? this career isn't going to be all about me. it's going to be something that everyone can help with, it's going to be a group effort because there's a bunch of us heading in this direction, and the kids i'd meet in the program too, sharing ideas and knowledge and helping to teach technique and volunteering on everyone's projects.. this is not at all like just going out trying to be a writer where you're all alone and obviously you can't share ideas because then that's their ideas and you don't venture out to writing things with people, but you make movies with people, you need everyone's help. ok. everything's going to be ok.

about to go get drunk with jenn and watch the entire sixth season of sex and the city on HBO on Demand, WOOHOOOO, and then i'll be invading will's apartment sunday night to see the season premiere of the Soprano's if anyone wants to hop on board..

hey i feel kind of jipped being in florida during the primary election.. we already have a damn democratic nominee, what the hell do we need to vote for? that ain't fair. i wanted to MATTER.

hey frank, i miss you. we may get together tomorrow night and then i'll REALLY miss you. i'm gonna call you soon.

next friday = ewan naked and having sex with everyone in Young Adam and a crazy swedish film called Evil as part of the FFF (fl film fest) and i've got my tickets so anyone who wants to go, speak up.. i'm going film crazy.