argghugaahh my dad is a racist, sexist, homophobic bastard and he has no idea.. shit

and also shit: i may be changing my major yet again, back to film, and embarking on a film career again.. shit shit double shit. and i have to create a fucking writing sample !!! and i can't submit anything until november and why am i so often flung in dramatic directions like this from only a powerful conversation and all of a sudden all that i'm doing is pointless and i have to start completely over?? how does this happen? yknow i just knew liberal studies would be the last one. i also knew i wasn't a four year graduate tho. i mean cmon. i'm freaked out over here. i want to work on movie sets. i want to help people make movies. if i can be a bigger help, like write the screenplay or edit or direct or whatever that's great, but dammit i've got to marry movies because anyone else would just be kidding myself.

we find out mr. big's first name in the final ten seconds of sex and the city and my reaction is gasping and hysterical laughing and crying, tears tumbling out, can't breathe - CATHARSIS - and believe that it's more than just an overreaction to a tv show, there is something there. i was blindsided by that reaction so it must be something.

i kind of want to do documentaries. i love them and they're lower scale and they tell the world important things and enlighten people and that's how maybe i can straddle my love for film and my need to make the world a better place. shit tho. how does this happen again? juan mainly: if you were to submit a video sample up to ten minutes to get into a program that accepts 25 of 200 applicants a year, what would you send? they can't expect me to have fancy equipment, is it all about writing or editing or angles or or or what? what do you think? how can students who don't have experience or money make something that'll prick up their ears? you know what? this career isn't going to be all about me. it's going to be something that everyone can help with, it's going to be a group effort because there's a bunch of us heading in this direction, and the kids i'd meet in the program too, sharing ideas and knowledge and helping to teach technique and volunteering on everyone's projects.. this is not at all like just going out trying to be a writer where you're all alone and obviously you can't share ideas because then that's their ideas and you don't venture out to writing things with people, but you make movies with people, you need everyone's help. ok. everything's going to be ok.