i hate how words can never properly convey how you're feeling. why do you feel feeling in your stomach? why is there heavy breath and a swirling sensation? i feel like i'm about to cry. this is when i would call him and launch into some weird thing for him to play with, something he would never expect that i just happened to be feeling and then he'd be sideswiped by it. because i have to get these things out of me when they happen! that's what this is for now. i'm gonna type something now that will make this seem like anything else i've ever typed which i hate but you have to start somewhere! this is my where!: i just got back from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. it was glorious. it makes me never doubt the importance of movies, the ability for them to let you experience transcendence, to never think they are just another meaningless nothing like a tv set that's here to distract you from real things. they're not. please don't think they are. they are love. i too sometimes sit there and think "godammit i'm feeling with these fake people but there's nothing substantial going on in my actual life and that's horrible" but why diminish that movie feeling? why is it less real than anything else? how can something that sweeps you up so much and changes the way you view the world and yourself be any less real? so right now all my living is happening in my head. so what? speak to me about dreams. i'm living a thousand lives! i go to so many places, i meet so many people, experience so many things, in dreams! it's a third of your life! dreaming is living. books, music, movies, these are life! shit it's like i've just figured out posthumanism. i'm a posthuman. so that's why. i loved this movie. it makes me think about memories, and who i thought i would erase if i could and this makes me not want to anymore.. i almost called him and said "i wouldn't erase you, i won't erase you", as if that would mean anything. what you must think of me. i want to go play dress up in my skirts, i want to wear them out and be around people who don't know me as a pants person and feel the skin of a new person growing inside me. it's fun to change. what you all must think of me.