time for a big maze of melody thought! new marvelous snack creation: fugi apples with peanut butter (already a classic) AND raisens! raisens punched into the peanut butter to make em stick. it's this big fruity peanut buttery mouth explosion. alright i'm mighty talky right now.. i just had this great late night talky conversation with my brother about a million topics and it's one of those things that restores my faith in our relationship just when i'm thinking i've lost him completely to religion and girlfriends and general boy assholeness. he is, as it turns out, gloriously aware of the realities of this life and open and receptive to me and my wild energy. hurrah! i know i sound like a mooney.

i don't know what a mooney sounds like!

i feel like i've taken drugs, i told him, which i must've experienced thru osmosis as i watched them being taken in garden state tonight which has gotten me into this wonderful mood. garden state is a severly flawed movie that moved and enlightened me anyway. it's completely cliche and unoriginal in its weirdness and many lines and emotions were completely forced and out of place and it had a very today-typical indie rock soundtrack but it was also refreshing amidst everything else playing and impressive for a debut effort and it featured genuinely lovely, funny moments and seemed to create real flesh and blood people a few times in those moments that made you ache to be them and i really liked some of the songs.. so it's a 3.5 out of 5 star.. and it got me like this so that's another .25... and as distractingly gigantic as zach braff's nose and lips are, they are strangely hypnotizing and i want now desperately to kiss him. so maybe it's a 4 out of 5.

let's go backwards. it was hawaiian day at work today.. no idea why. i hated my oversized shirt, felt formlessly huge, and was unhappy to not be around austin for the first couple hours as active seller.. and then i relaxed and danced to goofy hawaiian music and talked to people candidly and we ended up playing monkey in the middle with a beach ball and all was well with the world by the end and i now realize that too much of my happiness rests on that boy already so i'm just gonna quit it.

jordan and i also talked about how i don't want religion in my funeral, because there was a bunch of religion in the funeral i went to today. a friend of the family died tuesday, terry sparrow, son of my dad's good friend bob who is smart and wonderful despite his christianity and he's the one i have long elaborate philosophical discussions with, so i feel terrible for him. i keep having these sudden slightly unimportant deaths happen around me - people i know go without warning and the end of their existence has little effect on my life because i didn't see them that often. death is such a physical transformation so if i wasn't used to being physically around them it's not going to shake me up much to have them physically gone forever. so i had to sit there listening to songs and songs and words and words about how terry was with jesus and god is so good and we'll all see terry again soon in heaven with jesus and if this isn't enough to make you believe in jesus i don't know what is (literally said) and it was just nauseating and in the end i didn't feel like i'd celebrated terry's life as much as just gone to church. so it worries me that my own death will be handled by my family who are all religious, and i'll certainly have to oblige them with religion if they die, but i had to try to plead with jordan not to let me go down like that, and he says he wouldn't and he understood but just in case he goes all batty, if i die, one of you who knows me well enough should take control of the situation and give me a nice andy kaufman funeral. play pop songs like in the big chill. you know what i'd like. jenn, i'm mainly talking to you. i'm expecting you now to be around for the rest of my life until i die so you can take care of me. you need to see the big chill and man on the moon to know what i'm talking about. they should be on your list.

friday night i rushed to a 12:30 showing of hero, another 4 out of 5. the story gets too thin and tedious by the end, but it doesn't change the fact that it's maybe the most visually stunning movie ever, and the first half was really awe-inspiring fantasticness, so many arrows, such beautiful asian cultural simplicity, such amazingly choreographed and fx'd fight sequences. and everyone is beautiful in this movie. except maybe jet li. but i got full on crushes on flying snow and broken sword.

that afternoon i finally attended my new french 1 and it's wonderfully NOT taught by the evil kypraios lady but instead a nice laid back female version of mr. wilhelm.. well not quite, but definitely relaxed and groovy, the way foreign languages should be. jordan sat in with me because he had nothing to do and we had a grand old time relearning simple french phrases. i still love the hell out of that language. everything is either hilariously pig like or gorgeous and sexy. those french are sexy pigs, you might say.

thursday i covered for the lovely jaime at work but sulked and had a terrible time of it with the excuse that a friend had died but i was really annoyed about school being not what i expected and especially morose about austin not being there and his fucking girlfriend ashley. you see, wednesday night was a mix of terribly wonderful and horrifyingly bad. i was scheduled to work with toni, whom i enjoy but obviously i'd rather have austin. well austin's car was there when i got there ten minutes early. i figured he was just leaving. only he wasn't. he was just coming on! toni called in sick and had him cover for him because she's a doll who knows i want him. there was no attempt to cover my giddy grins for the first like hour.. for a moment i fantasized that he had called her to switch times so he could work with me, noticing we weren't scheduled together all week. it was a regular wednesday night finally, reasonably slow, and he was in a good mood so we talked and laughed and joked and teased and slightly flirted for like 5 hours, i needed a ride home and he agreed to give me one, and i thought i was going to explode with joy, damn near completely convinced that he was on to me, that he liked me too, and that this was the start of a beautiful something or other. then around 10 o'clock the phone rings and it's a cheery girl looking for austin.. yea sure, who's this? i knew damn well who it must've been. and we don't ask who it is. "ashley". ashley. just like that. like she owned him and she'd called him here thousands of times before and this was the most regular thing in the world. not like, his neighbor, i think his house is on fire. his neurologist, he needs to schedule a CAT scan. just ashley. i had picked up the phone while i was doing a transaction and somehow the computer sensed my sudden drop in heart rate and screwed something up in the price and i had to fumble for a minute with something incredibly simple, not even fully registering who i'd just spoken to. i finally finished and had to find austin to be the bearer of some sort of fucked up tidings, he'd come walking out of the back office and i stopped short from running back there and yelled across to him that ashley was on the phone. he made no sign that there was anything significant about this, no look of dread or curiosity as to why the girlfriend he had broken up with was calling.. no embarrassment or awkwardness about her identity revealed to me.. just chirped "ok" and turned back around to take it in the office. fuck me. i fumbled thru more customers as the door to the office seemed to never reopen. i finally remembered that i could just look at the phone and sure enough, a good five minutes later, he was still on with her. he popped out later looking fresh as a daisy, no strain from a stressful conversation painted on his perky face, chipper and ready to keep working. so yes, all else sank and darkened, i silently did work and tried not to look at him, realizing more and more our first fun hours were surely just aftereffects of his having a lovely afternoon with his still-girlfriend. i had resolved to start to stop caring about him by the time i got in the car and there were no butterflies. his car smelled like crayons. we made lazy, uninteresting conversations for five minutes, with a few scattered holes of nothing-to-say. he dropped me off, i said bye like it didn't mean anything to me, like i was tired and ready to go home instead of sit next to him forever. listen to the words that are coming out of my keyboard. i'm talking about this fellow like i'm in love with him and that is utterly impossible, we barely know one another, it's been less than a month since i started taking earnest interest in him. why must i go to such extremes? it's not healthy, is the moral of this tale, and so as i stated above i'm trying to quit him altogether. we'll see how that works out.

in the end, i'm going to be writing a 40 page script for a class i'm taking wednesday mornings called writing for tv/film, and it's going to be about a mary kay lady, well, about a lady who becomes a mary kay lady to fill a void and thinks her life is leading up to that pink cadillac. tonight would've been a good night to start that. i was talky and eccentric and creative feeling but once again i waste my energy on narcissistic ramblings. well, it's 4:30 in the morning. one has to waste energy on something.