defeat. pretty much. of course it's so slow and unsure of itself i still can't fully mourn. i haven't said a word to anyone in like 12 hours. i'd really like to say something like "fuck florida. we're moving." "i'm leaving for canada in the morning." but it doesn't feel like that. because i really thought we could win this one because i am young and naive and still feel like good wins out over evil most of the time, but i guess that's a fairy tale idea. i watch the west wing and think it's utterly possible because look, there it is, we've created the idea of it, thus the reality is possible because humans can make anything possible. well things don't often work that way. and so i relearn the old rules. you're only as strong as your weakest link. the lesser parts of us are somehow stronger than the greater parts of us. i am let down. i hate that my expectations keep continually lowering. the evil in us is stronger than the good. that's always how it's been. my jealousy, my resentment, my insecurity, my self-pity, always threatens to completely uproot all the numerous gandhi type qualities i've managed to attain over the years, because they're just stronger. america is the same. our hate is stronger than our desire for peace. our ignorance is stronger than our intelligence. our fear is stronger than our hope. i cried a little, panicking for gay people in the bathroom, but it's not as dramatic as i thought it would be. there's just the palpable sense that i should've known better, and how depressing that is, and how there's really nothing i can do to make this country better.